Oh my heart, why are you in trouble?
A Day Full of Everything
Today I saw it trembling, distressed, constantly fighting. I saw a very confusing state of myself, where I was happy seeing people whom I love, and at the same time I was filled with fear. Before the day had even started, I had prayed to the Lord, that God would lead me today, for I know nothing, I understand nothing. When they are far, I miss them a lot. I want them to be close. I want to see them, I want to be around them. But at the same time, there seems to be some kind of battle going on inside me, where I lose control, where my mind says one thing and my heart says another, and neither of them is clearly understandable. It could be that I was hungry, that my body was very weak.
That is the place where I say, “Lord, here I am, to serve you.” But the enemy was attacking me there. Even before I would get to that place, I had a lot of fighting going on inside my mind. But even in the midst of those troublesome situations, all those enemy temptations, I said to the Lord God: this is me. I surrender. I give it. I don’t know, I just lean on you. And this is how, Lord, you led me throughout the day. And I see the fear. I see laughter there. I see the confusion. I see the weakness. I see the strength. I see the lostness. I see the love. I see the state of the unknown.
I do not know what I want… my heart or my mind was expecting her. Probably I would see her, but then I didn’t see her. I saw her father and mother only. Even before that, I was fearful of that posture, and at the same time some part of me was happy. I was praying, God, I don’t know why such an expecting posture is rising in me. I am so perplexed, not knowing what is pulling me toward that dangerous road. Then, probably, my mind, I don’t know, my heart started thinking a bit aside, and then it started losing control of itself. And I was weak physically. I was constantly calling on the name of the Lord God: here I am. I don’t know, what am I fighting here?
I don’t know. I don’t have anything against any of these people, but I have been in trouble. I don’t know what kind of trouble I am in, but I can feel that people can see it, that I am in trouble. People can see it. I am in distress, but nobody knows why. Nobody knows what is happening inside, for even I myself don’t know. What an interesting, what an interesting situation, isn’t this amazing? Now here I say that all of those things happening were the plan of God. That’s what I say now. That’s what I say.
What I Realized
He’s working. God is working in my heart. He’s working in my mind. He’s working on my body. He’s working on my whole being. He’s making me his own. He is washing me from all my sinful nature. He is cleansing me. He is giving me a new direction, new strength. That’s what I see behind all of those troublesome states.
And also, another thing I realize: when the relationship is only surface level, maybe it is guarded by my mind, then I can talk nicely, I can be in control very easily. But when the relationship is from the heart, and there is something, I don’t know, which is beneath the next layer inside of me, then it becomes very difficult.
Surface Love, and Heart Love
What taxes me is that it feels like there is a deeper relationship that my heart is longing for with them, but it hasn’t been able to fully express that, or impress that. It hasn’t been able to fully play into that environment. It hasn’t been able to fully experience that heart-to-heart love. That’s why it is weak. It is incomplete.
It is fighting day by day, whether it is in the lonely room, or lonely job places, or in the midst of a bunch of people, or on the street. It is fighting. It is learning to go to God, but it cannot experience on its own what it has been desiring. That’s why it is going to the Lord. I do not know how I can make that heart-to-heart connection, where there is freedom, where there is that deeper relationship, where there is no hesitation, where everything is very much well.
The Spirit of the Lord is working, even in the midst of those close relationships. Maybe that’s why my heart was in trouble. Maybe that’s why it was fighting, because it hasn’t been in a complete state. It is still in a progressing state, where it hasn’t learned to walk, hasn’t learned to be stable. It still fights. It still crashes. Sometimes it still fails.
The One in the Driver’s Seat
The Lord God is the one who is seated in the driving seat of my heart now. He is the one who is going to control it, drive it, according to his awesome, amazing will. This is my next realization: maybe my mind is very sharp, very intelligent, much active, I would say smart, and that’s why it can trick me, or anyone, or be quick to pretend, or learn. But my heart is noble. It is very much like a dove. It is very much like a sheep. It gets lost. It gets confused. And it is very tender. It gets hurt so easily.
This is something I am still learning, and that, who could be a great shepherd, who can lead such a tender, vulnerable sheep? Isn’t it the Lord? Jesus said, “I am the good shepherd.” Yeah, that’s amazing, to see all of those things in a single day.
Oh My Heart, Do Not Be Troubled
Oh my heart, do not be troubled. You have a shepherd now. Oh my mind, do not be too sure of yourself, you have a shepherd over you now also. He sets boundaries, he gives direction for both of you. He gives you clarity in the midst of confusion. Just follow him. Just follow him and walk in his righteousness, one step at a time. You don’t need to see the whole picture. You don’t need to see the end, for he is the Alpha and the Omega.
Oh my heart, do not be troubled. Oh my mind, be collaborative, understanding, with the heart, the two of you. I want you to collaborate, coordinate well, in the midst of such troublesome situations. Work as a team, not fight with each other. And follow the direction of the Shepherd, not your own way, but his way.
Oh my heart, there is a Shepherd, there is a King seated over you.