I give up on her.
I’m tired.
I feel weak.
I feel foolish.
I feel disrespected.
I feel ignored.
I feel stupid.
I feel mocked.
I feel gijairaheko.This is too heavy.
There’s no clear direction.
There’s no clarity.
I give up on it.
I no longer hold on to that feeling.
I no longer stay under that futile hope.I give up on her.
I was angry as I was giving up.
I shouted to God.
I said, God, are you kidding me?
I said, God, I’m tired of it.
I cried, so deeply that my whole body started shaking, and tears started pouring down.
Then I gave up.
God, do what you want to do. There’s really nothing I could do.
I’m down on my knees.I never felt truly loved, nor could I make her feel loved.
I never felt truly accepted, nor have I ever been able to make her feel accepted.
What a paradoxical situation is this?!
Whenever she was far, I could never forget her.
When she was near, I could never talk to her like she was my own.
It felt like everyone was hiding something.
It felt like everyone was playing with me.
Nobody really told me what is really happening here.
My heart was perplexed, confused, and really doesn’t know anything.It is worn out holding on to that feeling.
Maybe what I took as love was not really love.
Maybe what I thought was loving is not really loving.
That’s why I want God to teach me a new definition of love.
That’s why I’m giving up on that feeling.
That’s why I’m choosing to surrender my heart to God, for I cannot hold it anymore.It was burning inside.
It was shaking inside.
God is the one who is worthy to hold such a loving, fiery heart.
He will teach it his ways.
Good morning God, here I am, Lord!